what do you call a state of emotional equilibrium? you’re not hopelessly in love. you’re not angry at the world. you’re not depressed. you’re not outstandingly proud… you’re just there, soaking up the world around you.
it’s times like these I like to sit and think about all the possibilities I have. all the opportunities I plan to find. all the plans I can make. oh how exciting life can be for me. and it is… but then it get’s a little overwhelming. I start to get down on my self. I’ll never have the drive to do all those things, things like that only happen to a very few people, what will my life amount to? And then I start to ask myself, who will I share it with? Will I become old and grey alone with 6 cats? or will I find someone who wisks me away into the nicholas sparks fairy tale. will I have to settle for someone who can support me, and that I can have a mutual relationship with? and then I go even further… will i have a family to support? one that makes me proud? of course, aren’t all parents proud of their children? I think that’s a form of love. And then we’re back at love. And it makes me angry that I don’t have it yet… and before I know it. I have infact upset my equilibrium and experienced every emotion that I was complaining of not having.
there is no such thing as equilibrium. we homo sapiens. such silly creatures.
Well 2011, I expected a lot from you… and I’ll give it to you. You met my expectations. You gave to me, you took from me. You bore witness to landmark events of my life… you knew I would say farewell to this year a different person than the one who greeted it. As a member of the high school graduating class of 2011, my classmates and I looked forward to you for many years indeed. And in such respect you were gracious, watching me walk across a stage on June 6th, ranked 9th in my class of 35, and graduating with honors, scholarship, and a prestigious citizenship award. You gave me experiences I would never again be able to match. Watching my friends and I thrive in final days of each other’s company on the beaches of the east coast. After which we were to experience the splendor of eastern hemisphere for the first time, marveling at it’s hidden treasures. You took from me a mother temporarily, and a grandfather permanently. However you have left my faith in tact that there is a day unknown to me that I will see him again. You gave me my first employment, my first taste of adult life. The joy of the paycheck and the pain of its expenditure. The feeling of exhaustion, and perseverance of obligation. Testing my patience, and enhancing it just the same. You sent me off 200 miles away to the best college in the world. Thus watching me learn to live alone, make new friends, and struggle in studies. You gave me a new taste for coffee, and calf muscles built to walk up mountains. You took from me my glory, and watched me pass my crown to a new homecoming queen. You watched me give my heart to someone new. And get it broken. But none-the-less you watched me learn a lesson. A lesson that will last through the years. You added a year to my age. A rather insignificant year, equaling 19. Nothing special happens. You planted doubt of God in my mind for the first time in my life. You took from me my best dog… for that I have not forgiven you. and now, I’m savoring your last moments… or rather, wondering what to expect from your predecessor. 2012 has big shoes to fill. You have kept me busy; you’ve kept me on my toes. Never knowing what to expect. You gave me so much, so much that I never expected. You also took from me, some I expected and some I did not. To sum you up in a word… I choose “change.” Change, something I never had to deal with before, has suddenly reared its head. This seems to be my first real taste of change… an acquired taste, I feel, that I will find opportunity to acquire in the future.
”There are four questions of value in life: What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.” -Johnny Dep
when i die, i want to have wrinkles. the kind that come from laughing too much. i want to have a less than perfect waist-line, one that says that i enjoyed good food. hopefully i’ll have something to show for my education, at least a decent hair cut. i want strong arms, the kind that can hug those i love. i hope i have poised lips, a pair that haven’t been worn out by gossiping. i want the soles of my feet to be rough, the kind that show i had to work, because otherwise what will my life have been worth? but my hands, i hope they’re soft and delicate, as a classy lady’s should be. i hope my wallet is empty, my bank account, my purse, my house too, that i gave all i could. i hope my shoulders are relaxed, because i carried no burden against anyone. i hope my hair in thinner, that i lost some in the struggles of life. finally, i hope my cause of death is a heart-attack, because my heart loved to much, many… that i was too in-love with life, experience, humanity, to possibly live another second.
all i want to do is to cry and scream, and cry some more.
just bawl… really let it out.
quite frankly i’d like to just sink below the ground, fall off the face of the earth.
i just want to beg him to let me in, beg him to give me a chance.
